Last week we bought two Mystery Science Theater 3000 boxed sets. Watching bad movies almost every night has made me realize that so many of these shows have some of the same things wrong with them. What is it about bad moviemakers that they just can't see what it is that makes their art so awful?
Here are a few traits that I noticed that are consistent in these bad movies:
1) Stupid actions by the heroes. Oftentimes the characters do something just to drag out the story when a simple solution is staring them in the face. In
The Giant Spider Invasion, a hero is supposed to grab a flare gun and head into a field after the giant spider. He forgets the gun, even though a) they're in a life-threatening situation, and b) he'd just mentioned he was going to use the flare gun ten seconds earlier.
2) Scenes that meander. Maybe they're waiting for something to happen and, rather than skip ahead, we get to watch the entire waiting scene.
3) Scenes that do nothing to advance the plot or reveal the characters. This is an especially egregious offense. These bad moviemakers either have scenes with their buddies in them they don't want to cut or they can't get rid of anything they shot because they can't kill their darlings. This often goes along with nbr. 4.
4) If the movie was made in the sixties, there's almost certain to be a band or singer who has to sing an entire song while the plot grinds to a halt.
5) Showing too much transition. I remember in the movie
Hobgoblins how we always got to see the heroes pulling into the driveway or parking lot. The entire scene. Every time.
And these examples aren't even accounting for plots that make no sense, terrible acting, bad camera work, bad sets or special effects, or basic mistakes like boom mikes falling into the scene.
I also want to point out the numerous ways these movies insult women, though in fairness, most of those are a sign of the times. But in the spider invasion movie, there was one especially stupid scene where a male scientist goes to meet with another and sees a woman in a lab coat and carrying a clipboard. He tells her he's meeting with Dr. Whatever. Is that her father? No. Husband then? No. Then it must be her brother. No, I'm Dr. Whatever.
The movie was made in 1975! It's not like women were
that out of place in science-related fields in the seventies.
We still have three more movies to watch, so if I return next week bleary-eyed and insane, you'll know why. I'm looking forward to
Parts: The Clonus Horror, which I believe is the movie
The Island (Ewan McGregor/Scarlett Johannsen) ripped off.
(For the record, a few of the movies MST3K makes fun of were probably decent movies for their day. The one we watched last night,
The Rebel Set, had a coherent plot and decent camera work, and many of its faults were more a sign of moviemaking of the day.)
Maybe my next blog post will discuss how most of these elements also make for bad books.